words and phrases I would ban - part 1.

NEAR MISS – If you nearly miss something, then you hit it.

IRONICAL – This is not a word. Last week I heard some intellectual use the word several times in a CBC interview. I’m not sure, but I think I heard the interviewer snicker.

LIKE – When used properly, I have no quarrel with this word. It is useful. However, most of the time it is used instead of a pregnant pause, or an ‘ummm’. I would prefer the ummm or silence. I’m not listening to you anyway if you say ‘like’ like a lot.

I.E. – Used instead of saying ‘for example’. It actually means is ‘id est’ which is Latin for ‘that is’. Why are you speaking in Latin? What kind of elite asshole are you to assume that everyone will understand your archaic language skills? I would say that it should perhaps remain in the realm of the printed word, but on second thought, why wouldn’t you just use ‘that is’? Unless of course you are writing a novel in Latin, which I find to be somewhat noble, although largely useless.

LOL - Are you honestly that lazy? You can't just type 'that was funny,' 'I peed myself,' or 'let me hire you because you are funny.' This ban applies to all other acronyms that are increasingly seeping into our spoken languages. It is only cute when used in irony, and then, only sparingly.

WAKEY,WAKEY. HANDS OFF THE SNAKEY - This is the most unpleasant and crude wake up call short of a fart to the face. My Dad used to say some version of it, and my treeplanting foreman used to say it when the van finally arrived at some black fly infested cut block in the middle of a swamp. Either way, it never ever is the harbinger of good times.

REGULARTORS! MOUNT UP! - I've worked in a testosterone soaked job for much of my adult life. Every year someone drags this quote up and just won't let go of it saying it before the van or helicopter leaves for the work site. Why? Are you trying to make the job seem more like a wild west ride of pretend vigilantes? Is the job not already cool enough for you that you have to add a further level of fantasy? Just knock it off. I don't want to hear it this summer.

OUAIS – This Québécois French for ‘oui’ (yes – if you didn’t catch that). It sounds like a duck sound in the middle of an otherwise charming sing song like French accent. Is it really necessary?

SO I SAID... – I think that that is implied when you tell a story. Perhaps just once add that to the mix to make sure I know that it is important to know that you actually said something. If you say it at the start of every sentence... I’m not listening anymore. I’m probably watching the internet while you babble to me on the phone.

ANYTHING SPOKEN ALOUD IN ELVISH OR KLINGON– It’s great that you’ve learnt a new language. It would have been more helpful to the world if you had learnt a language that was in use other than in make believe land. By all means, have meetings about it, just don’t expect my respect when you speak in make believe languages in public and to non-geeks while laughing at other’s ignorance of your somewhat useless knowledge. Seriously. We have many languages on the verge of extinction. Learn one of them. Exceptions made for those employed in actually creating fantasy worlds, whatever the medium - because we all need to escape reality at least once a day.

CHANGE– Jesus! Have we not heard this word enough in the last 3 months? I like Americans, but honestly your complex election process has given the world nothing but clips of politicians claiming a need for change. Who is falling for this? No one has said what sort of change the world is to expect in the next year or eight.

RONALD REAGAN WAS OUR BEST PRESIDENT– Again, I do genuinely like the average American, but No he wasn’t! You have 43 presidents to choose from. Stop listening to Bill O’Reilly and find someone better. Maybe someone who didn’t attack small countries... that should thin out the list a fair bit. I suggest John Quincy Adams.

ANY WORDS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF - Just a good rule to follow. If you cannot define the word and use it in a sentence, then you shouldn't use it. You might think it makes you seem smarter, but it doesn't.

I’m sick with a head cold, so I’m grumpy. If I offended you because you happen to be a star trek type person, or think Latin words are fun to inject into your limited vocabulary to make up for something – Bring it on like Donkey Kong!

Leave me a comment and fight me, damn it.